I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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