When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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