A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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