Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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