He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
