fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Boobs are out for the taking
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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