I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Where is the hickey?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
