where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
