Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
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