im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
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make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
tell me about the fingering
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