So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
