I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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