porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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