Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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