The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
