I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
FUCK WHALES
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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