you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
