the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
