do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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