tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
