So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize