He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
