can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
