This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
