i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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