Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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