3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
