my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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