Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
