Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
