I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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