don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
