I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
