I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
