Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
