i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
