stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
