You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize