Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
