I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
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Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
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So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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