woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
