Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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