Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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