It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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