I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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