If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
