there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
