Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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