I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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