and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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