In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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