just survived the first fart of the relationship.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
