This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
