Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
